Editing DF2014:Unfortunate accident

{{av}}
{{Quality|Exceptional|08:26, 18 July 2010 (UTC)}}
{{D for Dwarf}}
{{Translation
| dwarven = nasakam kuthdéng
| elvish  = seno-favane matirè
| goblin  = rotsnuna smaxa
| human   = ob-jalew kepfu
}}
[[Noble]]s are particularly fragile, delicate, put-upon dwarves, burdened with responsibilities which are far more taxing than any lowly commoner could ever hope to wrap their [[Alcohol|booze]]-soaked brains around. However, your dear friends at Happy Fun Surprises Incorporated (Stock Exchange Symbol: "HFS") have prepared a wide variety of [[Losing|Fun]] activities to help your administrators unwind.

==Lever of mystery==
What activity could be more fit for nobility than the investigation of mysterious levers? Will it collapse the roof? Will it [[Main:Boatmurdered|flood the world with magma?]] Will it simply lure the duchess into an enclosed space so the unwashed masses can barricade her in and flood it? Any noble -- no matter where they happen to be -- will surely come running to the lever's location to savor the thrill of the unknown!

Be sure to use the Workshop Profile screen to restrict the lever to the noble in need of some downtime - after all, it just wouldn't do to have some poor Urist Channelwork pull it instead.

==Dwarven Spaceheater==

Are your nobles abusing their mandate privileges? Perhaps they find their quarters to be on the chilly side. Simply construct one of the newest innovations in comfort, the Dwarven Spaceheater! Simply build a [[Minecart|radiator base]] directed towards an adjacent lever. then, order the lever hooked up and pulled ''once'', to confirm its function, and ''then'' place a [[Magma|fueled]] [[Minecart|radiator]] on it. Your nobles will now bask in the tropical warmth of their quarters. Should they continue with their demands for adamantine socks and steel buckets, the most likely scenario is that the device has malfunctioned and their pleas for repair work are being interpreted as demands for yet another crystal glass window. The solution is simple, simply have the lever repeatedly pulled until it resumes operation. It is recommended to have the noble perform this themselves alone, to preserve their privacy and so that they may repair it themselves if it malfunctions again, through this is yet to occur.

The resumption of heating should be easily discernible. Your noble will be bathed with [[Magma|warm air]] and will be [[Death|contented]] to cease their demands. NOTE: the device and the furniture in the room should be of [[Magma safe|high-melting point]] construction, as the device can leak, particularly during 'maintenance'. An alternate method is to direct the airflow toward a bed, with maintenance controlled from a central control room.

==Underground safari==
The [[Forgotten beast|fantastic beasts]] lurking in the darkness of the underground [[caverns]] would surely captivate any noble with an appreciation for nature. Why not send them out into the darkness so they can experience these [[Giant cave spider|wonders]] for themselves? While your noble is out and about, make sure to keep an eye on the entryway in case any unruly commoners should attempt to wall it off. After all, what would happen if your baron got hungry, or was attacked by [[giant cave swallow]]s, or had his face melted by a [[forgotten beast]]'s venom, and there was no way for him to return to the safety of the fortress? The horror!

==Throne room over troubled magma==
Aside from being the home of many strange and wonderful beasts, the deepest places of the earth also give access to vast [[Magma sea|seas of magma]].  Imagine the powerful and intimidating effect of a [[Office|throne room]] suspended over the sizzling surface of the abyssal planes!  Such a throne room would befit only the greatest of nobles, of course.  Common dwarves would have no place in such a suite.  Therefore, be sure to build a retractable [[bridge]] from the shore to the throne room, with the associated [[lever]] placed ''inside'' the room.

==The situation room==
Your ever-loyal cadre of nobles have to make hard decisions every day that affect the economic and social future of your fortress.  Debating psychosocial theory in front of the less-gifted working class may frighten and demoralize them.  For this reason, place your [[Noble|Magenta Magnates]] inside a room with plenty of seating.  Once all of your people are inside, lock the door behind them while they hash out a plan.  To assist in the discussion, you may wish to place a bin of [[Weapon|debating tools]] in the room with them.  Nobles under pressure think quickly, particularly on an empty stomach.

==Impressive spike==

Your wonderful nobles love the beautiful weapons that come out of your forges. Why else would they ask for weapon racks? To make them happy, you should give them some weapons to display in their rooms.

And what could be more dwarven than a [[menacing spike]]? Better make it retractable, in case your noble needs the space. Put this symbol of dwarven strength in one of your noble's rooms, possibly next to a lever. 

[[Hammerer]]s '''love''' spikes and can't get enough of them.

It is worth noting that a nice masterwork steel spike encrusted with [[ruby|rubies]] looks very nice and may boost the room's [[value]].

==Exotic housing==
What more could your nobles want than some truly fantastic housing to call their own? Maybe you can build them a huuuuge tower, balancing on a single support as a miracle of dwarven engineering? Or perhaps a house made of glass, which is then flooded over? No door required, that'd just ruin the view. Maybe even a palace down a great hole, where you could throw new [[Goblin|friends]] that have come to visit your fortress?

==Grave(n) image==
The nobles serve everyday, day after day, to tirelessly [[syndrome|serve]] your fort. All they demand is some [[slade|nice]] [[artifact|furniture]] for their personal rooms and some recognition. Symbolizing their eternal bond with the mountains, be sure to sculpt it from obsidian. What could be better? Make sure it's fresh by casting it <s>on</s> near the noble. To ensure that the image is special, arrange for the likeness to be created by only the finest mason. If done correctly, the noble will be forever invested in the fortress, to the delight of the workers.

==Artifact==
What could be possibly better than a big, imposing artifact made <s>from</s> for a noble, as a tribute to how special the noble is? Simply house a noble next to a craftsdwarf's, leatherworker's, or butcher's workshop, and house as well the unhappy, disgruntled hauler next to it. Wait. And when [[Mood#Fell|a beautiful laughter]] is heard, make sure the happy dwarf is next to the noble, so he can share the [[losing|fun]]! Make also sure the resulting artifact is made so it records the noble's life!

==Immortality==
Every noble's dream is to rule forever, so make them happy ! Rather than <s>murdering</s> honoring the noble, what about making them eternal and fit to rule? Make them drink the blood of the [[vampire|children of the night]]! Let them partake in the gift of [[werebeast|shapechanging beasts]]! Then isolate them to let them ponder on their new status for a while, make sure they do <s>not</s> have a room worthy of their standing, then when they are [[Insanity|suitably happy about immortality, or suddenly unhappy about it]], let them outside and welcome them as <s>utterly insane and harmless</s> the reasonable rulers they are! 
If [[Berserk|the dwarf is frustrated by the experience]], though, there is no need to worry! Build an engraved [[gold]] [[cage|house]], [[trap|persuade them into their new home]] and let them rule from there!

==Diplomatic outreach==
There's nothing a good noble loves more than politics and diplomacy. In fact, the next time a disgruntled group of goblins shows up, your nobles would be downright miffed if they didn't get a chance to practice their diplomacy. Designate a [[burrow|diplomatic outpost]] in front of your fortress, and make sure it is well stocked with food and alcohol. That way, your nobles can have many long, engaging conversations with your neighboring goblins. I'm sure they will be very productive.

==Talk like a pirate day==
Plenty of nobles enjoy celebrating International Talk Like a Pirate Day, on [[Calendar|the 19th of Limestone]]. So let your [[Mandate|favorite]] member of the nobility have a little fun with it, to get into the spirit of the holiday. Maybe give him a pet [[Giant kea|parrot]]. Or build a ship and let him [[Drowning chamber|sail the ocean blue]]. If he doesn't feel in the mood, the other [[Hammerer|scurvy dogs]] will be quite pleased to make that landlubber walk the plank.

==Tropical vacation==
Every noble would love to go to [[Hell|areas with a warm climate]], but why stop there? Take him to a place fit for a dwarf king, [[Hell|somewhere hot and underground]]! He could [[death|chat]] with the [[Demon|locals]], and have lots of [[losing|Fun]]! If he gets [[tantrum|stressed]], there are plenty of [[Magma|native hot tubs]] to take a break in! If he doesn't feel convinced, there is always room for the [[king]]!

==Grand Arena==
Many nobles may look upon the [[Military|brave defenders of our fort]] with envy as they tirelessly do battle with [[goblin|goblins]] and [[elves|other pesky creatures]] who would seek to [[Losing|undo all our hard work]]. They wish only that they could prove their bravery and prowess in combat like our brave defenders do on a daily basis. While our nobles may not be able to descend onto the field of battle like our soldiers do, there's still a fine solution to this problem: build a [[Megaproject#Colosseum|grand arena]] for nobles everywhere to test their strength in bloody combat! Simply provide your nobles with [[Training_weapon|fine weapons]] and [[Cloth|durable]] [[Clothing|armor]] and [[Burrow|direct them to the arena]]. Once there, provide them with a [[Megabeast|suitably]] [[Forgotten_beast|powerful]] [[Demon|foe]] against which they may prove their mettle! Be sure to lock the doors behind your nobles, of course; they would never forgive themselves if they were to lose their nerve and flee. Should they vanquish their opponent, simply provide them with another to ensure that they may [[Death|drink deeply from the cup of victory!]]

{{Category|Nobles}}
[[ru:Unfortunate accident]]